i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The Olympian is in my bed
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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