bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
