There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
