you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I party with great urgency now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize