walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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