In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
