I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
