Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Holy sore nipples Batman
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
