Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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