so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
