my mouth tastes like poor choices
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
