At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
