im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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