he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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