Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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