Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
i think im in europe. pls send help
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