i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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