its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
