you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i think my cat just said my name.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You are a genius and a whore.
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