I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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