Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
