see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
