My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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