yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize