i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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