There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
