i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
