i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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