I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
