i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
