id be glad to
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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