my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
