He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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