I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
