I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize