I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
