a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
