You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
