You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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