Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
