she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
