dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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