I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
