Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We were destined to go to rehab together
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
