At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
