walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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