I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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