oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
