Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
