If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
