You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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