i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
