Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
