the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize