I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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