zippers are such a cool invention
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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