just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
