i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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