It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize