you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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