can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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