Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize