It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
