After last night, I could never be a politician.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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