yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
