piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
