i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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