Swine flu is the new snow day.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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